Sometimes I get what Brené Brown would call a vulnerability hangover. I have one of those today. It’s an awful feeling of regret and self-consciousness that I get after I truly open up and am honest in front of other people.
I’m an introvert, and in general, I am an overthinker who is pretty cautious about what I say to others. But sometimes, when the stakes are high, my guard goes down and I speak my truth. I just lay it out on the table, without censoring.
Then, anytime from a few minutes later to a few hours later, I start to feel stressed and panicky. I worry that I said the wrong thing. I can feel my skin crawling because of my discomfort. This was my experience all night long this week, during the time when I was hoping to be sleeping.
Last night, when I couldn’t sleep yet again, I started to practice something I describe as aggressive mindfulness. To be honest, mindfulness hasn’t really been on my agenda this month. My daily morning and evening routines have been pretty off, and I’ve had so much on my mind that it’s been challenging to bring myself fully into the present moment.
But last night, when I couldn’t sleep, and my mind would wander – I would talk to myself sort of sharply and say, We are NOT thinking about that now; we’re sleeping. It worked – sort of, because I had to repeat this about 975 times.
It took a little while to realize that what I was practicing was an aggressive kind of mindfulness practice. But it totally was. I strive to utilize mindfulness in my daily life, and I often succeed – but I am also plagued by regrets about things I’ve said or done and anxieties related to the future, and those thoughts and feelings all stem from my struggle to stay in the present moment. I often forget that it’s my goal to stay in the present moment. Which is silly, because being fully present would help me to feel happier, more confident, and stronger in my day-to-day life.
But, that’s how self-care and self-improvement work for me. I am great at utilizing tools when things are really, really bad – but on a regular day, I forget all about it. So this week, when I really needed to pull myself away from regretful thoughts and into the present moment, I did it over and over again. But on a regular basis, I completely forget that practicing mindfulness is an important goal I have for myself.
This month, with work stress and a busy packing/moving schedule, I think utilizing aggressive mindfulness will be really valuable for me. But, once my vulnerability hangover is over, I really hope that I’m able to remember that staying in the present moment isn’t a strategy that’s only available to me in crisis. It’s a superpower that’s accessible every single day of my life, if I can only remember to use it