adoption · self-care

Seeking The Faith #heart #soul

The other day, a lady I barely knew walked up to me in a room full of people and bluntly said, “Hey, did you get a baby yet?”

I said no softly, and the woman walked away.

That was it.  The entire interaction.

My wise and gentle friend was at my side, and she took my hand intuitively as I started to cry.

At first, I was angry.  How can people be so insensitive?  I’ve had my feelings hurt many times throughout the last 17 months (and the 30 years before that), but a lot of the time, it’s not the other person’s fault.  Unless you’re also experiencing the adoption wait, you don’t know which comments could hit a nerve for an adoptive-parent-in-waiting.  And when you’re oversensitive like me, other people are inevitably going to hurt your feelings unintentionally and unpredictably, through no fault of their own.

However, this interaction made me mad.  This one seemed obvious.  It shouldn’t take a mind reader to know that you shouldn’t ask a question like that so bluntly – right?

I knew my frustration and hurt were justified.  That’s a dangerous zone for me – when my negative feelings are justified, I can get swallowed whole by them.

Luckily, my wise and gentle friend was right there with me to help me through that moment.  We talked quietly, in the same spot where the drive-by unintentional cruelty had occurred.  We talked about how that woman served a purpose for me.  Maybe it was a prompt for my friend and I to have a heartfelt talk about the pain I’m experiencing these days.

“Or maybe,” my wise and gentle friend suggested, “the universe is trying to tell you about something you are missing.  Like patience.”

As soon as she said that, I knew that I was missing something, but that it wasn’t patience I lacked.  slide-9-lamott-quote

It’s faith.

I am lacking in faith.

I don’t have faith that things are going to work out the way they’re meant to work out.  I don’t have faith that everything’s going to be okay.

Anne Lamott says, “The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.”  That quote keeps swimming around in my mind, and I’m not sure exactly what it means.  It will probably have to rumble around in my head for a while longer before I truly understand it.1394365_10151852322103719_2046454664_n

For now, what I understand is that the future of my family is uncertain, and that my absence of faith is causing me pain and hurt.  I’m not very religious, but I do pray.  And lately, my prayers are all mixed-up versions of the same message: “Please fill my heart with intuition, faith, and trust.  Please, let Our Baby come home today – or, if not today, then grant me the strength and the serenity to wait another day.”  Logically, I know everything will be okay – but in my heart, I need some faith.  ASAP.

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